CLIENT REQUIREMENTS

If you want to work with me, that means you are:

Curious: You are thoughtful. You have questions about yourself, your life path, and the world around you. You are not turned on by superficial, surface-level conversation; you like to go deeper.

Conscious: You are self-aware. You see yourself as a constant, ever-evolving work in progress. You enjoy thinking and talking about ideas and various ways of being. You might describe yourself as “spiritual” or simply “open”.

Creative: You like to engage with the world around you. You believe life is an interactive, participatory experience. You see yourself as being of value and having a unique purpose.

Committed: You are a woman or man of your word. When you commit to something, you see it through.

Apply now; let’s start the process!

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 There is so much about you to be proud of and to appreciate, it's insaaaaane. And to ADD TO THE LIST, you are also so willing to notice and question what you don't like about yourself, just to make you that much awesome-er. How cool are you, Ms. Never-Settle?? Captain Self-Improvement?? That's amazing!! Are you giving yourself credit?? :: Let's be real: Most of us are not. Most of us treat ourselves like scabs that supposedly aren't doing a good job of healing. We examine ourselves, and pick at ourselves, and check up on ourselves over and over, and give ourself a jank score as a human based on how imperfect we are. At least compared to that gorgeous, trendy, always smiling, cellulite-free angel of bikini-clad perfection we follow on IG. :: Baaaaarf, team. Barf forever. Can you let yourself BE for a moment and just enjoy your own company? Frowns, cellulite, and all? It is so fine to take a break from the self-improvement and indulge in some self-enjoyment. It's so good. It's so necessary. So let's make it a new practice. :: What can you take a moment to appreciate about yourself today?? Tell me in the comments. I want to high five your heart.   Ohhh the patience pill can be a very tough one to swallow. I love this quote because it invites us to remember that our idea of the "right timing" isn't always quite right, is it?⠀ • If we can get a little more comfy with the idea that even though we can't SEE IT, things are still happening, pieces are falling into place, and people are becoming who they need to be separate from us, before they can be joined with us! Can you lean into that? That there is divine timing and serendipity and kismet and all of that good stuff, and it might not look anything like you expect it to? 🤔 • That means you get to use this time to your advantage, and take care of whatever business/fun/relaxation/inspiration you want to before the right thing, the right person, or the right situation unfolds before your very eyeballs. Trust it, babe. It'll at least take the edge off.  In 2010 I reluctantly went on on a few dates with a nice fella, solely as a favor to a coworker. ⠀ She kept telling me how great he was, and I kept telling her (and myself) that he was all wrong for me, super boring, way too Wally Clever/goody-two-shoes. Ick. Not "my type".  Boy, did he prove me wrong. Especially on our second date, when he called me out on my snap judgment of him. He declared my prejudice towards "the nice guy" shitty and unattractive, and I was instantly both embarrassed and enlightened.⠀ We invent stories about people to keep us "safe", aka in the land of the familiar (even if the familiar sucks), and these stories and beliefs are some of the most limiting lies we can buy into. Much to my surprise, I fell in love with Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. And he continued to challenge me, inspire me, and love me in a way I didn't even know someone could. When we eventually went our separate ways, I thanked him for showing me that people can be much more than we believe them to be. And I thanked myself for giving him a real chance.⠀ Let someone prove you wrong. Challenge yourself to stay open, even when parts of you want to arbitrarily shut something down. Because nobody likes being judged, and you never know where it could lead.  When women ask me things like, "Why does this guy mistreat me/disappoint me/let me down so much??" my first response is almost always: I DUNNO BUT WHY DO YOU LET HIM, SISTER?!⠀ • We determine the standard of treatment (and quality of human) we allow into our lives. You are responsible for teaching people how to treat you. Yeah -- that's a damn Dr. Phil quote. You know I'm desperate to make a point hit home when I'm quoting DP. • While it might not feel easy to break things off with someone you've grown attached to for all the wrong reasons, it's 10,000x harder to keep betraying yourself and tolerating BS in the long run. Not to mention, youdeservebetter. I know this! You know this. And honestly, he likely knows it to. So let him go, let him go, let him go now. Make room for someone who doesn't make you stress, suffer, or sacrifice yourself. Pretty puh-lease. Cause your love life shouldn't feel like goddamn circus. 🤡 • ps. This quote was pulled from a blog-style email I sent to my web subscribers last week, and so many of you replied that it was just what you needed to hear! (I get that a lot ) Click the link in my profile if you want to sign up to get email check-ins from me on all things life & love.   Some of my favorite words from one of my favorite writers/thinkers/feelers out there. If you're not reading @thecut column #AskPolly every week WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BABE?! Any other fans?? I promise you'll love her.   Sometimes when I'm caught in the human trap of future-prediction and anxious thinking I pause and imagine THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME.  • Then I recognize that even if the worst thing ever happened, I would still be okay. The sun would manage to rise. My heart would keep beating. And I'd pick up the necessary pieces and move along, and fit things back together in whatever way I could. These simple truths offer some sweet relief in moments of worry. • The only reason I can identify these simple truths is because I have fucked things up quite royally before. I have made really dumb mistakes. Knowingly walked into painful fires. Gone against my instincts and forced situations and circumstances I shouldn't have. And I survived that stuff. And life actually got better as a result. So the fuck-age up-age isn't nearly as scary as it used to be. • Don't fear "failure" or the "worst case scenario" because you are stronger and smarter than to allow circumstances to bring you permanently to your knees. You will survive and be okay. You can choose that for yourself, over and over again. And just like the sun, you'll manage to rise again. ☀️ #fearnot #trust #faith #learn #shinebright  You will not be this version of you for always, so try to make peace with what you can. It's so easy to point out what isn't working in our lives and in ourselves, but it's hard to remember that it's just this way for now. And the more you can have patience with yourself, the faster you'll find relief. Having some compassion (even a sliver!) for the parts of you that feel stuck or resistant to change will help then come around. Cause they will. Have faith, boo. #alwayschanging #everevolving #peoplearenotfinishedproducts  As a former MONSTER procrastinator, sometimes I still have to remind myself of this delightful fact. Good reminder the Sunday night before tax week... BIG YAY TO ANOTHER WEEK ROLLIN' OUT! Another chance to kick some new ass and take a few more names. Git 'er dun. I promise it feels better than avoidance. Proooomise. •ps• I unpack this #lifemantra a bit more in my story too. Watch if you get stuck in the grip of procrastination. (Cause don't we all sometimes?? Yowza.) Xx  I've had a lot of people ask me lately why I'm so big on clarifying standards, boundaries, and preferences when it comes to meeting dudes and finding that good good lovin'. 🤔 Should we really be out there dating with such specific hopes of what we'll find? Isn't it awfully unromantic, and even risky, to have a set list of guidelines for what we're looking for?? ⠀ In my opinion (and experience) it's a helluva lot riskier to be seriously dating WITHOUT clear knowledge and understanding of what you're looking for. If you don't know what you want, or what's okay with you & not okay with you relationship and partner-wise, you'll be willing to settle for much less. Simply because it's there, and it's good enough, and it's better than nothing. (HINT: It eventually won't be.)⠀ I liken having high standards and specific preferences to someone who sets a very high bar for the quality of food they consume. If you clearly commit to an organic, whole food, clean 'n green kinda lifestyle, you're not going to make pit stops at McDonald's on the way home. Because you know it won't satisfy or make you feel good. It will rot your insides and won't agree with you. And you know you want fueling, fulfilling, feel-good yummies that energize and sustain you. That's what super high quality living (and loving!!) is all about, right?⠀ Too many people are willing to participate in the romantic equivalent of pit-stop-McDonald's (i.e. it's here, it's good enough, it's better than nothing), simply because they haven't committed to clarifying or raising their standards. And when they're left feeling dissatisfied, still hungry, and painfully out of sync, THEY WONDER WHY. Welllll, cause ya gotta know what works for you and just ooown it. And until you do? You'll likely be willing to survive, but not thrive, on a lot less. ⠀ ps. This post feels a tad harder and harsher than I intended, so just know I think you're awesome and love you boatloads. Also a little McFlurry every now and again never hurt nobody...❤️  Oh dear. So true. So impossible to resist. COMPLICATED THINGS.⠀ For a thoughtful, sensitive, sometimes anxious mind, "complicated" is like crack. So much to unpack and unravel. So many details to consider! Endless potential outcomes...it's like really juicy, flavor-bursting gum for your sweet, smart, chewy brain. ⠀ Unfortunately, ultimately, usually...the chewing leads to suffering. The COMPLICATED-ness proves to be untangle-able. Which is so hard to accept and so painful to let go of. Because we invested time and energy. We felt feelings. Real ones. We let ourselves get caught up in the joyous possibilities of what could be instead of sitting with and fully recognizing the overtly complicated reality. ⠀ If something is already complicated before it's even gotten going, I invite you to consider what is so damn appealing about it. Because love CAN be easy. It CAN be simple. It can not be a struggle or a source of stress. In the best of circumstances, it actually will be those things. But if we keep getting attracted to (and saying YES to) Captain Complicated, we evade ease and simplicity. And that might be a sign that it's time to let it go, sister. Oof, I know. ❤️  It is so beyond okay to not know. It's a given, actually. And when we allow ourselves to take some gentle time in that space of "not knowing", and to calmly sit in uncertainty, and slowly suss things out for ourselves, we tend to do much better. We also feel much better. We learn to let situations resolve themselves, and do not force things that should not be. So be patient. Go easy. You're still figuring it out. We all are. 🤗 •ps• The new #mantramonday episode is LIVE right meow! So excited to be kickstarting the series again; make sure to click the link in my bio to watch.  Think about it - if a swell of discomfort, negativity, or shitty feelings arise when you witness a lovey couple posing for a selfie together, or your friends find love before your do, or you see 2 cute humans kissing goodbye on their morning commute...if you CAN'T STAND THEM, if you wish they would get over each other and GET A ROOM ALREADY, if you find them annoying...why would you want, or allow yourself, to become them? I'll put this in another context, to clarify. For a long time I carried heavy judgment and negatively towards wealthy people. I labeled them greedy, shallow, selfish, whatever. So when it came to expanding my income and wanting to make more money, I bumped up against allllll kinds of mental and emotional trouble spots. Cause why would I want to become something (financially comfortable or even abundant) if that equated to me being all those negative things I loathe (shallow, selfish, shitty). I had an UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM. I was unconsciously sabotaging my own income. If more money meant being a bad person, I couldn't make more money cause then I WOULD BE A BAD PERSON. Wickity-wack! Right?? Many people have an UPPER LIMIT LOVE PROBLEM. They throw shade at happily married couples and convince themselves those two can't possibly be that happy. They look at pics of engagement announcements online and roll their eyes in inward protest. They hate seeing PDA's, because uggggh just stoppppppp. But if you WANT IT, you need to CELEBRATE IT. You need to feel at peace with it, at minimum. This is where coaching work is so powerful, because it's really hard to spot these unconscious "upper limiting" beliefs on your own, but trust me - IT IS WORTH IT. Cause when you start acknowledging and dissolving that stuff? You feel a lot more open, appreciative, and in alignment with what you actually do want. Which is love, yo. So get up to speed with yourself! ❤️  If you think you can receive romantic love, experience romantic love, and offer romantic love, without having to take some risks...ohh child. You dreamin'. Which is ADORBS. Love REQUIRES leaps! And taking risks and chances. And duh, that is hella nerve-racking because we are smart, and this ain't our first rodeo, and we know we might get very hurt, and we can totally hurt others. And realistically, we will probably BOTH. But please remember that the greatest risk in life is no risk at all. Remaining in your bubble, playing it safe and small and not saying YES to people, experiences, feelings, opportunities, oh sweetness. What kind of life is that? Taking little leaps in the direction of love, intimacy, and increased visibility (and vulnerability) is where allllll the good stuff happens. And when we mentally and emotionally sack up to that fact, and stop pretending that spending 24/7 in our "comfort zones" is in any way comfortable, love is more likely to find a way in. And love wants in. She wants ALL IN. She wants you to say YES to yourself, and to life, and to opportunity, a lot more. She wants you to honor your nature and your desires and show up and be bold and unapologetic and (as best you can) unafraid. She knows the reward is worth the risk. Do you? START KNOWING IT! #letlovein #taketherisk #getoutyourway

What to Do About That Horrible Voice in Your Head Telling You that You Suck Sometimes (or All the Time!)

What to Do About That Horrible Voice in Your Head Telling You that You Suck Sometimes (or All the Time!)

I talk a lot about the “voices in our heads” over on my YouTube channel, and sometimes I think I sound like a crazy person, but then I remember—Ohh riiiight, we’re all crazy people.

Because most internal human dialogue is pretty wacky ‘n weird. Even if it’s not anxiety-ridden or pain-producing, hell, it’s still fascinating to examine.

I’m staying at an AirBnB right now and I had to message my host to ask if she had “an extra large towel”, meaning “a second full-size towel”, but as soon as I hit SEND I realized she might think I’m asking for a hugely enormous XL towel because I worded it poorly, and what if she thinks I’m some kind of spoiled princess who only uses giant luxe towels? And will she then be annoyed by such a dumb request? Will she give me a bad review on AirBnB?? Couldn’t I just be satisfied with the one stupid towel she gave me?!

SPOILER ALERT: She brought over some extra towels and it wasn’t a big deal. Duh.

But the MIND. THE MIND IS STRANGE.

When I’m working with clients, and we’re knee-deep in some weird, winding, mind mucky-muck, and they’ve convinced themselves that they’re annoying, or that they suck on some level, or they’re lazy and unlovable, or jeez–they can’t stop comparing themselves to to their cousin Beatrice who just has all of her shit together, I have to remind them that these thoughts, that internal voice, those words and feelings and stories they hear inside are just that—stories.

And sure, they might be stories they’ve repeated to themselves so many times that they just don’t question them anymore, but that doesn’t make a story true. I could tell you the story of Rumpel-fuckin-Stiltsken every hour, on the hour for fifteen years, but that doesn’t make Rumpelstiltskin a real dude.

YOUR MIND IS JUST TELLING YOU A BUNCH OF INTERESTING AND SOMETIMES SHITTY STORIES.

The stuff we hear in our heads is like different channels playing on a TV set. Or records that can be put on or taken off a record player. Or movies being projected on a giant IMAX-sized screen in your highly creative, prone-to-worry, often anxious mind.

And I hear you when you proclaim, “But this voice in my head is really loud! This voice is really mean! This voice is the only voice I ever hear and it’s telling me awful things, and it has been for years!”

And I need you to think about it in this context: “Man, this TV channel really sucks! This channel plays all the time! It’s awful and scary and I hate the programming!”

Babe. Find the remote. Turn that shit off.

“I’ve tried! I lost the remote a long time ago! Or no one ever gave me a remote in the first place!”

Okay. Here’s what you can actively practice and commit to when your mind-channels are outta control and  need to be turned the fuck off. Or at least muted for a little while so you can relax for just like a minute.

 1) Label and call out the damn channel.

This is the most brilliant-est step one: Just notice what channel is playing.

It might feel like you have a lot of different noise going on up there, but there are usually only a few messages that continuously play out on repeat for each of us. Get clear and specific about what the message is.

Some painful but popular internal narratives/“mind channels” are:

  • You’re not good enough.
  • Your future is fucked.
  • Bad things are going to happen.
  • Bad things have already happened.
  • Everyone is thinking terrible things about you.

Ugh ugh ugh. Premium cable say what? THESE CHANNELS ARE AWFUL BASIC ACCESS THAT WE GOTTA STOP WATCHING.

When your mind begins spontaneously going over the details of what happened at yesterday’s meeting, and you’re remembering what you said, and the look that Beth gave Claire as you spoke, and you imagine how they went to the break room and laughed about you afterwards—PAUSE, NOTICE, AND LABEL IT.

“Ohhh – the ‘everyone is thinking terrible things about me’ channel is playing! We’ve watched this one before! This episode sucks!”

There is so much psychological research and evidence in support of the theory that simply labeling your internal experience (thoughts, feelings, etc…) helps to regulate and decrease the hold it has on you. I encourage you to test this theory out for yourself and have a little at-home experiment. Make some popcorn and tune into the mind-movie. Review it. Do you wanna keep watching? Decide.

2) Try giving your attention to literally ANYTHING ELSE.

If there’s a TV on at the restaurant you’re eating dinner at, does that mean that you have to watch it? Just because it’s on? Because it’s situated over your table, or in your line of sight?

Could you pay attention to your food? Could you pay attention to your friend eating dinner with you? Could you get out a book and start reading?

You do not have to keep your eyes glued to a TV set just because it’s on, and you do not have to keep your attention glued to your mind just because it’s telling you mean, terrible things. I would strongly advise you to turn your attention away from your mind when it is telling you mean, terrible things. There is no good information being delivered to you at that point.

If you really can’t change the channel, or can’t turn the TV off, distract yourself with anything else. Interrupt your mindless viewing and shift your attention elsewhere. Math problems. Counting the hairs on your left arm Noticing the variance in temperature between your two feet. Poetry. Prayer. Remembering every character from “Harry Potter” and what Hogwarts house he or she was in. The options are limitless. Practice shifting focus.

3) How about playing producer and introducing some brand new channels!

So listen, this metaphor only goes so deep. Because if there is an actual, physical TV implanted in the wall and it’s on at full volume all the time, unless you take a sledgehammer to that puppy it’s gonna stay there, stay on, and keep showing you whatever’s playing that afternoon.

But this is YOUR MIND we’re talking about. What plays in your mind is actually up to you. You run the network. And your mind is highly suggestible. You might not be used to suggesting new thoughts and content to your mind, but trust me, your mind is a malleable motherfucker. How do I know this?

If you were lying in bed in the midst of a painful, self-degrading meltdown and I walked into your room shrieking, “Justin Timberlake is down the street giving a free concert!!” you better believe your self-degrading meltdown would be put on pause.

If you are entrenched in worry and then happen to notice a $100 bill on the ground – BOOM – suddenly your worries aren’t the primary focus anymore. Get. That. Money.

If you’re over-wrought with anxiety and receive notice that there’s a stampede of miniature ponies trucking through your backyard, you’re gonna go to a window and check out the damn ponies.

The reality is that most of us never suggest new, creative, enticing alternatives to our minds. We’ve bought into this idea that MY MIND IS MY MIND AND IT SAYS WHAT IT SAYS AND I MUST LISTEN TO IT AND I AM ZOMBIE MUST FOLLOW MIIIIND…

I call bullshit! Play with your mind!

Imagine situations that would or could jog you out of your meltdowns and worries (I suggest making them extreme, enticing, and/or hilarious), and call upon them whenever you can. Get creative. Use your imagination. Thinking about stampedes of miniature ponies is much more useful and enjoyable than thinking about how you should’ve chosen a different major in college, trust me.

Above all else, know this:

You are not alone. You are so far from alone. I know what it’s like to feel like you and your mind are at war. That you can’t turn off the mean-bad-bad thoughts, that you’ll never be able to change the damn channel that feels like it’s been on for an eternity.

And I promise you, I PROMISE YOU, it can be different. It can get so much better. Those thoughts and stories and feelings can (and want to) loosen their grip on you. You don’t have to tune into shitty programming whether it’s on VH1, Lifetime, or inside your own brilliant head.

Check the metaphorical couch cushions. Find some version of a mental remote control. Get a little more selective about what you’re watching, call it out, shift your focus, and introduce some new programming. The more you do it, the easier it gets. And the easier it gets, the more you’ll want to do it. So go. Start practicing. NOW!

18 Comments
  • JENNIFER SCHMELING
    Posted at 01:40h, 26 January Reply

    THIS SPOKE RIGHT TO MY SOUL! THANK YOU FOR THE TOOLS!

    • Amy
      Posted at 05:41h, 26 January Reply

      Wuhoo! You’re SO welcome! 🙂

  • cagla cetin
    Posted at 02:02h, 26 January Reply

    Thank you Amy, i read twice and i was nearly crying. i know the step one. exactly i know the channels (so many channel altogether), i tried to distract myself reading Nietzsche. But i came a point where i could do nothing and started ‘all day laying’. But i will try again, step two and three. Maybe i will not be super confident but i will be better..to live in a cruel world. Thank you <3

    • Amy
      Posted at 05:41h, 26 January Reply

      Keep working at it, beautiful. It can take time, but then sometimes something just clicks. Thank you for reading.

  • Patricia I.
    Posted at 02:09h, 26 January Reply

    Amy, Amt, Amy… I cannot stress enough how helpful you are, not leaaaast to say with the word choice and explanations in this post. I too suffer from time to time from anxiety and depression, even now while I’m on study leave, but this was just God sent. Seriously, I’ve read articles, forums abs books before about all kinds of stuff, but this hit me right in the mind and heart. I no longer feel crazy! And alone! And I really want to thank you for this and wish to inspire you to spill your guts out with more of this you! ❤ Lots of love and best wishes/Paty

    • Amy
      Posted at 05:40h, 26 January Reply

      You are neither crazy nor alone! Sending you lots of love back. So thrilled you found this helpful. HUGS.

  • Jade K.
    Posted at 02:13h, 26 January Reply

    Thank you so much for this post! I recently realized that I tend to over analyze even the simplest of things and assume the worst, which is really unhealthy because it brings me down so much.

    After reading this post, I tried focusing on something else/tuning to “another channel” and it has helped so so much.

    Please keep the awesome blog posts coming xx

    • Amy
      Posted at 05:39h, 26 January Reply

      I’m so happy this helped! It’s good to have a handful of tools to turn to when we get caught in over-thinking/anxious mode. <3

  • Cortney Lamb
    Posted at 02:30h, 26 January Reply

    Guuuuurl… My love runs DEEP after this post! I am the Mayor of Overanalyze-ville and it sucks balls. After seven months it’s “does he like me still?” “are we still exclusive?” “Why won’t he DTR?” “Am I ugly?!”
    For real… I need to throw out the whole fucking TV!!

    • Amy
      Posted at 05:20h, 26 January Reply

      COURTNEY. “I need to throw out the whole fucking TV!!” I DIED. Ha!

      And I feel you girl! Tune that junk out. It will never help! Analysis is great but over-analysis is misery. Sending you love. Adoring your awareness and humor.

  • Paige @ Healthy Hits the Spot
    Posted at 05:06h, 26 January Reply

    AMEZ. This is such a great post! I love your metaphors. You’re the best at them! I love how you related this to watching TV and changing channels! SO HELPFUL. Love you!

    • Amy
      Posted at 05:24h, 26 January Reply

      Paaaige thank you beautiful. Love you MORE!

  • Elisabeth
    Posted at 07:07h, 26 January Reply

    Loved the TV channel comparison! You truly have a gift of speaking straight into the soul. Thank you for making us all feel a bit more human and sane today.

  • Brad
    Posted at 08:57h, 26 January Reply

    Even though you gear your brand toward women, I love your content and feel it always applies across gender lines. Everything in this blog post speaks true, especially to someone like me who is blessed with social anxiety issues.

  • Jenny
    Posted at 09:28h, 26 January Reply

    Fantastic advice. You’re brilliant. I’m reading about mindfulness at the moment and this ties in with it. Thank you. I over analyze to the max.

  • Pat Sykora
    Posted at 18:35h, 26 January Reply

    you inspire me….love ya!

  • Arushi Jain
    Posted at 17:09h, 30 January Reply

    You’ve literally made me really positive in life!…..everything you say just so clicks in my head❤Keep inspiring us all. Much love💋.

  • Laura Sanz
    Posted at 18:16h, 07 February Reply

    Amy, thank you very much for this post. Recently I’ve been going through a hard time because of this and I can tell you that you made it so much easier for me to understand that I can change that. God bless you and I hope you keep inspiring others to change their point of view about our minds. I read you from Colombia 🇨🇴

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